When do you know that you're truly in love with someone? By the way they look? By the intense physical intimacy? By sharing a Diet Coke and Popcorn at the movies? No, you know that you're in love with that person and care for them when harsh words are exchanged, and you don't speak; when you notice the horrible ache in your chest near your heart; and when you're afraid that the person you've invested in may be leaving you, and suddenly your life becomes routine and empty again. I can't sleep...it was never like this when I was married. Tonight I scared, of losing her in my life and of being alone. She thinks that I fault her and yet I don't...she and I both have our faults, but I'm the one that's driven her away.
  So now I begin the final year of seminary with no future, no relationship, and no sense of purpose. The reality of studying in Boston is gone, which means I will look foolish to everyone because I didn't get in. Once again, I've set myself up to be disappointed, with school, Suzanne, the list is endless. I keep waiting to hear her text tone on my phone...but coming to the reality that our relationship is over. And so I move forward yet again re-adjusting to life after losing another woman in my life. As I sit here, my inner emotions are begging for my life to end, that I will face a tragic death and not have to face life without her, or as an embarrassment to my family and friends. I'll finish school but I'll do just enough to walk...maybe. I kept telling her I'm not cut out for relationships or ministry.....what a dumb fucking bitch I am....but so is God!