I have not felt well the past two-three days; my muscles ache, head hurts, can't figure out my emotional status either. It could be the reading I've been doing the past week has tough to wrestle with and put in perspective. Machiavelli's focus on virtu and its characteristics; I fall so short in all those areas; I mean the "talent" that I am always complimented on, is not the same talent he is speaking off; flexibility is a characteristic I ignore because I view it as losing...I'm learning it know through my relationship with Suzanne. Then I move to Rohr, and I read that intimacy is something that I can't give away until I've experienced it...overshadowing all this is an empty mailbox every day this week...empty with no letter from BU; I'm beginning to resign myself to the fact that I'm not going to Boston, and I need to think about a different transition plan. I'm not sure BTSR is the place; I do need to move on...G&HT?,One Voice?, Suzanne? Will she wait for me? Will I for her? There's so much unknown that it's causing me to stress; what if I don't get accepted? Is there any reason to finish my program here?
There are so many questions, and I have so little patience....

Tonight at dinner was suppose to be a fun night, and instead became a total meltdown....and the results are a broken relationship between Corey and Ashlee, a possible broken hand for BabyGirl....and me sleeping alone at her place. It's easier for her to sleep on the couch, but she just went into living without a word. She was waiting for a lecture from me, but what good would come of that? Her heart aches because the dysfunction of both families of origin have smacked her in the face. There was a part of me that wanted to just give her the business, get my stuff and leave....but I have willingly invested myself in a relationship with her, and Suzanne is the woman I love and adore...tonight was a defining moment for me with us....

I should change the name of this blog to "why the fuck do I date Suzanne?"Because it seems all I do is write about the struggles we have in our relationship. It pisses me off that she doesn't "trust" anyone, in part because of her childhood, but at what point does she look at herself? She pulls PA shit all the time, but she wants to reverse situations on anyone else...I'm weary of always being in conflict; I'm tired of her being sad and beaten down about her situation at school...I think she's bi-polar...maybe I don't want to deal with a gf with shit issues. I don't know how to work through this....I'm tired of being a roller coaster; I'm just as guilty...does she really care for me? Do I really care for her? Or we just convenient for each other? Am I being anxious? Am I reactive? Can make her happy? Is she doing the same for me? How difficult would it be to walk away from Suzanne?What are my shortcomings? God, where are you in this? What is the ache that I'm feeling in my heart?

When do you know that you're truly in love with someone? By the way they look? By the intense physical intimacy? By sharing a Diet Coke and Popcorn at the movies? No, you know that you're in love with that person and care for them when harsh words are exchanged, and you don't speak; when you notice the horrible ache in your chest near your heart; and when you're afraid that the person you've invested in may be leaving you, and suddenly your life becomes routine and empty again. I can't sleep...it was never like this when I was married. Tonight I scared, of losing her in my life and of being alone. She thinks that I fault her and yet I don't...she and I both have our faults, but I'm the one that's driven her away.
  So now I begin the final year of seminary with no future, no relationship, and no sense of purpose. The reality of studying in Boston is gone, which means I will look foolish to everyone because I didn't get in. Once again, I've set myself up to be disappointed, with school, Suzanne, the list is endless. I keep waiting to hear her text tone on my phone...but coming to the reality that our relationship is over. And so I move forward yet again re-adjusting to life after losing another woman in my life. As I sit here, my inner emotions are begging for my life to end, that I will face a tragic death and not have to face life without her, or as an embarrassment to my family and friends. I'll finish school but I'll do just enough to walk...maybe. I kept telling her I'm not cut out for relationships or ministry.....what a dumb fucking bitch I am....but so is God!

This past week has been strange. While I was excited to get back into the academic routine, my emotions have been a mixture of anxiety and depression; that BabyGirl has been sick this week hasn't made the week easier. I've come to the conclusion there are several issues going on. First, I'm ready to be finished with my time at BTSR, and to some degree, living in Richmond. The best description is "senior slump"....second, my anxiety about life/vocation/call post-BTSR...honestly, BU. Finally, we're working on genograms for class, which is spiking my anxiety regarding family, and specifically...Mom. I didn't expect this...I'm afraid for the future....even as I write this my anxiety level is spiking...tight chest....increase in body temp....taking a deep breath...I'm writing this at the store where it's quiet and peaceful. Suzanne wants me to verbalize with her...i need and want to.

After a full week of being together, Suzanne and I had a meltdown this morning over lying. It's something that's serious to her, but to me it's not that big a deal. So I walked out this morning when she went to take MC to work. The issue is not we had planned to spend the day together and she agrees to take MC to work instead of telling him "no"; the issue is that I can't overcome my PA nature consistently, and I can't handle her overreactions to what I perceive as "irrelevant issues." Suzanne is here now and I need to talk with her...

Tonight was the Calvin Ball at UP Sem and it signaled the end of my relationship with Suzanne. It began when I was late coming from One Voice dress rehearsal, then we went to the BTSR party which she thought was at the school, then we had to pick up Mark Cooper, who I thought was at home, but was at work. Then she got pissed because Mar Cooper and I made fun of her; she forgave him and took it out on me. I walked out, and when she came out, she completely ignored me. She told me to leave her alone, she threw her keys and I left. I told her I never wanted to see her again,and I walked out; I kicked her van and put a nice dent in it. We love each other, but I guess we're not good for each other. I'm angry and frustrated; hurt and confused...another void to fill in my life; another woman gone; another relationship destroyed. Perhaps God wants us both to be alone; I thought about re-establishing a relationship with Brenda; it feels like a default, a fall back...Suzanne doesn't understand that I'm hurt as much she is when we have these fallouts...perhaps its just better to walk away and move forward...without each other. But I can't avoid the emptiness in my soul when we are in conflict. I thought I  thought I would never find anyone to replace Brenda in my life and I did with Suz...now I'm not sure I will find anyone to replace her...so she has ended it....so sad, so sad...